schwabenbauer's Blog

Entry: 16
Mood: so stinkin sad
Season: same day as the one above. Night time
Age: 13 just a kid
Sub.: so cold
Ok. This is not a lesson entry, it's an entry for my own feelings.

             (DELETED)

I tried to lead the king cobra, but in the end I was bitten hard.

My Notes To Making Mom Less Angry:

Rule #1: don't show sympathy

Rule #2: don't mimic or show the same emotion

Rule #3: NEVER apologize for what you did to cause her anger

Rule #4: don't try to make promises

Rule #5: don't cry or show that you are hurt

Rule #6: don't agree or disagree with her

Rule #7: say ok to anything she says, so the "argument" shortens

Rule #8: do NOT defend yourself, let her attack you no matter how much it
mentally hurts

Rule #9: you are not on her good side nor bad side, you are in the lost and
found pile

Rule #10: anything you say is recorded, so be very careful with word choice

Rule #11: if she is mad at someone else, do not defend the person she's mad at,
because she gets angrier, just stay out of it unless you know that she cannot
bring you down

Rule #12: do not go off to the side and spill your feelings out to someone else

Rule #13: don't ask questions

Rule #14: don't tell her how you feel about her

Rule #15: it may be better not to show any emotion at all

Rule #16: be serious with her

Rule #17: avoid her after the "argument"

Rule #18: wait about four-five hours, and then help her with anything

Rule #19: don't ask for anything until one-three days later, depends on the
"argument"

Rule #20: make sure you hear every word she says correctly, any miss matches
could be vital

Whenever people at school say stuff, it never bothered me to much. But when my
mom says stuff, it strikes me in the heart hard. She always talks about how
nobody loved her. I use to think she was kidding. Later on when I was 11-12 I
told her to stop saying that and that I love her. Now I have to take her
seriously to every word she says. I ask her how her day was every day, because I
want to know how she is feeling, and to predict what she'll be like later on. I
just hope that she knows happiness correctly. And what hatred can do to your
inner core. I learned that the hard way. I pray to GOD that we all will find
pureness in our hearts. I hope... I think... I know...

[Hey, it's been a few weeks. Something like that. Being a teen is weird. It seems that my emotions get in the way of the reality of situations. I suppose that's what we're all like as teens though... Have a great week, goodbye.]

Entry:12
Mood: a usual sad
Season: same
Age: 13
Sub: I don't see it, do you?
Where is the happiness in life? When did happiness be? And who said anything
about hate? Or sadness? I can't make myself happiness. No one can. It's a
reflection to what is and what will ever be. I can't love. I can't hate. I
reflect it towards others and myself. Why do you think we have mirrors? We
reflect our images through them. Teachers at school tell us to look in a mirror
and tell us what we see. But I don't want to see the reflection, I want to
create it.

[To you who hurts for what ever reason, you have my prayers and blessings. Create a great week. =] ]

Entry: 13
Mood: sore
Season: august 24 9:15 pm
Age: 13
Sub: let's go shallow! [Next week....]

Entry:10
Mood: relaxed
Season:The day after the entry above
Age: 13, birthday's in about a week! :)
Sub: I just wanna talk about my problems, K?
Ah. People wanna know. Well people, so do I. You ask me what my problem is, but
why do you care? Is it out of love? Curiosity? Selflessness? Selfishness?...
Well. You could ask. And I could answer. But before I tell you my problem,
what's yours? You come to me for something. And you leave with nothing. I won't
say because you don't understand my world of confusion.
My world of hateful hate less love. I don't have a circle of life. I won't die.
Live. Die. And live again. No. I will live. Hopefully to the point where the
glass is half full. And not so empty. And when I come to death, or if death
comes to me first. No. I think death and I will meet in a cafe. Haha! Kidding.
I will put my trust in GOD. All of it someday. For some reason I have a hard
time doing that. But! That is the first step to ending the beginning of my
problems.
Anyways! I can't tell you. Well I could. Like I said early I can actually tell
you my problem. But I don't want to risk exposure. I don't want to risk my
future with the people surrounding me. I don't want to lose them. Remember entry
2? I said it was unexplainable. If you don't understand, you'll get hurt. I
don't want anyone to get hurt.
Oh!!  Ya think your so tough that you can understand truth can ya! Well buddy!!
Tough luck! You see, I've tried to explain to my sister what troubles that I was
having... She was faaaarrrrr from knowing. Hmmm... I'm very sorry sister. Your
awesome. But your advice was a little a lot off key. It's ok though. I never
expected you to get it.
            (DELETED)
Well, I am hoping that someone reads this. I'm a kid. How else can I share my
thoughts. Talking doesn't work.
I told my mom that there was a wall between me and my friends today. I don't
gossip. Ya so what? I never said there was a wall between our relationship, just
between the way we speak. I can easily get around or even jump over that wall!
It's so small! And then again, there is always multiple walls. Mom, if your
reading this. I'm sorry for my horrible grammar. :)
Sometimes I think that maybe I am a normal thinker like everyone else. I test
people sometimes buy philosophizing life. It crushes me so much when they say,
huh? Or what's that suppose to mean? Or what are you talking about? Or, I don't
get it!! It hurts a little. It shows that in a human form, I really may be
alone! I know GOD knows me. I know that Jesus understands me. But, am I thinking
in their direction? Am I writing in their direction? Am I really saying
something? Or am I talking gibberish? I've asked myself that question for three
years now. I can feel the change now. I'm changing again as a person. I'm once
again coming out of my cocoon and ready to spread my wings for flight.... again.

~Note: if you ask me about these entries, or about any of my notes, I'll say
it's a book I'm writing, or come up with any other excuses. And lying to you
will hurt me. So I'm not sure if it's safe to tell me that you read this.
That is if you got the password. Emi5 is my hint. Always will be. But since you
already know my password, what am I to say?!
If you are reading this and have come this far, you must be really curious! :D
that's good. Because now my title officially makes sense. Sweet.
Know this: I think I started these entries June 21st. Now it is August 24th.
This is the summer celebration of entries!!! And that's why I'm talking about my
problems. It's a special episode. :3
Why am I even doing thi- oh ya. I'm writing these entries down because I can't
take 10 years of suppressing my deepest thoughts. Maybe that's why I have a lil
bit of short term memory loss. Because I wanted space for my own thoughts. And
that's also why I'm writing these down! So I don't forget! I knew the day of not
knowing was about to come! So I tried to write what I knew down! I'm so smart. I
just wish I was now.
My problem? What's yours?! Know your purpose before you come barging into
peoples business! Sheesh! How rude of you! ;)                           ^
^note from entry 14:Favorite^ paragraph!!

Ok. Instead of making another entry, I'll share a quick note/blooper thingy....
I'm missing a lot of information in these entries. Well, I could write them
down, but I don't want my iPod to run out of space...
Ohya! Pureness was written about two weeks before Forgiveness! Note that! Time
is important!


            (DELETED)

[When receiving these entries from the most anonymous source I was rather confused as to what these entries meant and wondered if they had a deeper meaning. Even though this teen sounds a bit crazy I feel that he or she (I'm just going to go with she, I really don't know...) might be on to something. Or maybe I want to believe that.

Like how I want to believe that my future in sports isn't shattered to pieces due to the continous ankle injury I keeping getting. Oh how I will miss soccer...

Have you ever had a strange encounter? Like, really freaky? Haha, have a hopeful week. =] ]

Entry:12
Mood: a usual sad
Season: same
Age: 13
Sub: I don't see it, do you? [To be continued, next week...]

Entry: 8
Mood: triumphal is the first word to pop up in my head...
Season: almost fall
Age: 13
Sub: who am I?
I was just reading a book, listening to music, and thinking about why I'm here
and up so late at the same time I also thought that it would be a good idea to
write another on going thought down before it disappeared into the abyss of my
wandering mind....... Who the heck am I? Shoot. To late. I forgot.

I can continue another entry in one can't I? Ok-who am I?

            (DELETED)

I feel that I maybe getting close to a new life. M#5 has been a burden. It
interferes with my physical form and self. I'm in a state where I don't know
anything. It's a huge change from knowing everything I'll tell you that. I can't
get over the fact that I'm here though. I just don't know what's right anymore.
It's so much more frustrating than you'd think. It's like taking a shark and
throwing it near a sausage pan in the middle of the mountains while a guru
scolds you for eating a tree! It doesn't make sense because I don't know who I
am anymore. I know how things ought to be. And I'm working my way to the white
wall of light. I can see it. I'm almost to my next life. Hopefully a more
peaceful one. Where I may concentrate. And not have to worry anymore about what
why is and what is why things have turned out the way they are presently.


            (DELETED)

[Yeah she seems kind of looney...Now that I think about it doesn't every pre-teen go through some kind of supernatural phase? Anyways! Finished with my finals and entering a new term of school, also longing for the summer. I have so many plans and I'm so excited! I also wish we could post video on here, that would be cool... Have a marvelous week!]


Entry:10
Mood: relaxed
Season:The day after the entry above
Age: 13 birthday's in about a week! :)
Sub: I just wanna talk about my problems, K? [To be continued...]

Entry: 5
Mood: Gone
Season: late summer
Age:13 going on 14
Sub: I can't see...
I know what and why it happened, yet I have no idea what hit me this past week.
I've lost my ability to see and hear. I feel empty. The white wall is so far
away now, yet I reach my hand out, or I put my foot on it, just to see if I feel
it. But I don't. Something has been cut off. Here is my situation: I have two
things to chose from, but once I take one, and do not share the other, the other
will turn away. I was greedy and selfish. I chose one and only one. The easy
path. It is suddenly harder to reason. I don't know anymore. I can't know. I
want to know again. I might be able to cross over again. I'll try something new,
once I pass over this cloud of emptiness...

[As usual our friend Ivory seems to be troubled and confused, however I am not suprised because I was too when I was 13, but who knows. Next week I am going to New York, New York so I will post two entries. And as always, have a great week! =] ]

Entry: 6
Mood: from reading the entry above-sad, otherwise, excited, and gloomy.
Season: later late summer.
Age: getting very close to 14!
Sub.: who am I? [cont. next week]

Entry: 4
Mood: Not Sure
Season: mid-summer
Age: 13
Sub.: I'm so cruel!
Oh wow. I almost feel ashamed of myself. Every since four years or so ago, I've
been testing my family. Mostly my mom. You see, I have been wondering just if
people know what I know. Thus, whenever a situation is about to appear, a plan
strikes into my mind. Well, not all situations. Only the small ones. The test I
bring is called the understanding test. I will show different emotions to see
how my family will react toward my behavior. That's the cruel part. But there is
one reason why I have continued to do this. It is because of my mom. I'm working
on the perfect expression that will cure anger, sadness, or any evil within. So
far, any positiveness is a no go. Or anger. Or sympathy. My main goal though is
to understand. So far, I've been able to understand everyones place and purpose,
but hers. Even my depressed cousin Sarah. I can understand her too. But not my
mom. Yeah, I can read her, but just not understand.  

[Ahhh I almost forgot to post!!! If you're still followong along I'm glad this is a bit interesting for you. Most certainly the beggining is confusing, but that's what I find intriguing about this story. For those who are just seeing this, hi!! :D This entry is very confusing!! @_@ ]

Entry: 5
Mood: Gone
Season: late summer
Age:13 going on 14
Sub: I can't see... [cont. next week]

Entry: 3
Mood: Exhausted/relief/fearful
Season: mid-summer
Age:13
Sub.: You better have been studying! Pop Quiz!!
How do you take life? What do you think about it? Why and how do we age
according to time and space? If you were able to answer all of these questions
correctly, you must be dead.

[Ok so this one is pretty short I know but it's quite interesting I believe... Tell me what you think! Have a safe week, see ya!]

Entry: 4
Mood: Not Sure
Season: mid-summer
Age: 13
Sub.: I'm so cruel! [cont. next week]

Entry:2
Mood: Mwahahaha!!!!
Season: Summer
Sub.: Tch! They just don't get it! (family problems)
Ok!! So, for today's lesson! UNDERSTANDING.
That word there is one of the pieces to the puzzle of life! Ever since my
"encounter", which is locked DEEP into my mind, I've seen just about everything
beyond your imagination! Sigh... If only my family knew....:|New Mood: fresh!|:
One of my best friends know. Sort of. Well, they know my past before Encounter.
That's all. Otherwise, it's unexplainable, exactly like I've said before. Oh ya!
Age: still 13.

[From here on I feel like things make a little more sense... She's eaher really cocky or tired of life...]

Entry: 3
Mood: Exhausted/relief/fearful
Season: mid-summer
Age:13
Sub.: You better have been studying! Pop Quiz!! [cont. next week]

Entry:1
Mood: calm
Season: Summer
Age: 13
Sub.: Sigh...... In these past years. Oh in these past years. (life ways)
I've learned, seen, and have done whatever. It's everything to the life. Or
mind. You may know or not, but emotions can put more damage to core of your true
self. Or maybe it can heal? It's the true showing or inner meaning in your mind
and heart. Your judging. To grasp is to let go, because only the willpower of
your grasp determines.

[Now this first entry has always confused me, so if you're reading, and perhaps a bit confused or interested as I am, what do you think? Let me know in the comments! =] ]

Entry:2
Mood: Mwahahaha!!!!
Season: Like, June or something...
Sub.: Tch! They just don't get it! (family problems) [cont. next week]

"My name is Ivory Armstrong. Here, do you mind giving me about a year to express my thoughts of sin and blind
wonder?
Thanks. ^^

'Summers Chapter'"

[Note: This is a raw blog about a girl and her delusional, dramatic, and even depressing ideas. Or, who ever you think she is, or was. Your thoughts are reccommended, highly. God bless! =] ]

Entry:1
Mood: calm
Season: Summer
Age: 13
Sub.: Sigh...... In these past years. Oh in these past years. (life ways) [cont. next week]